Leaving an abusive home
This is mainly for teens and young adults escaping their abusive parents although it can also be useful for adults escaping their abusive partners. I just wrote everything down that came to my mind. If you have any additions, please reblog and share them. I’ll then edit this post and add them here.
I talk about:
– Where to go
– Steps to take: before leaving
– Financial issues
– Steps to take: during/after moving out
– …and then?(The text from under the keep reading has been pasted here to preserve it if the original blog ever deleted)
Where to go: for minors
For minors, one of the problems is that legally your parents have the right to say where you should live. If you run away, often it is illegal for other people to give your shelter or help you otherwise. Child Protective Services or similar agencies have to be informed.
In some countries, you can legally leave home even if you are still a minor but you must have reached a certain age, usually 16. Depending on where you live, you either have to have your parent’s consent (e.g. in the USA or Irland) or you can even leave without it (e.g. UK).Where you can go to:
– A(n emergency) shelter. (See: Escaping from an abusive home to a shelter)
– Relatives, although your parents have to agree with you moving to them.
– Friends, although your parents have to agree with you moving to them. Depending on where you live this might be legally more complicated than with relatives.If you want to move out without the permission of your parents before it is legal to do so, CPS or similar agencies will have to get involved. Legal options would be guardianship, emancipation or dependency proceedings (Read here more for the US, the rules will differ in other countries).
Even if legally they have to be involved, involving them is not always the best option. It is known that CPS occasionally makes harmful decisions and then there’s also the problem that sometimes they just don’t react. In the end it’s about whether the one person who’ll be responsible for your case is a good social worker or not. Having had previously contact with other adults (teachers, counsellors, therapists, priests, social workers at a shelter, but also any other adult) who know your situation and who can stand up for you if CPS reacts in a harmful way can help. You can try to contact CPS anonymously first and check how they react.
Please don’t just run away with no plan. It’s dangerous. Try to at least have a basic idea about where to have a more or less safe shelter and how to access food. If you have an adult who you think is safe and who would allow you to stay in their home, go there – inform nevertheless at least one friend about where you are. The person whom you stay with should contact a local attorney who can explain the laws in your state/country and help determine the best course of conduct to avoid breaking the law.
You might also want to contact runaway helplines.Whatever you do: If possible, have a friend regularly check on you so that if something goes wrong, someone does notice!
Where to go: for young adults
As a young adult, leaving your abusive parent’s home is legally not a problem anymore. The main problem here is usually that you don’t have enough money to just leave (see: ‘Financial Issues’ below).
Where you can go to:
– A shelter. (See: Escaping from an abusive home to a shelter)
– A friend’s home
– A student hostel or a residence for students if you’re a student.
– Renting your own apartment
– Flat sharing with other persons
– Transitional/supported accomodationsSteps to take: before leaving
– Make a plan: When do you want to leave? When can you leave? Is there a time frame where you’re alone at home and can pack everything you need and leave? If there isn’t because there’s constantly someone at home (and you have to leave secretly), you’ll have to try to get out everything you need step by step and escape from school/work (so you tell that you’re going to school/work but instead go to the shelter or whatever place you’ve opted for).
– Make a plan: Where do you want to go? Check which options are available for you. Turn on ‘safe mode’ if you’re checking that information through a computer that your abuser has access to. Contact the place.
– Take all the official documents you can like the ID, passport, social security card, birth certificate, work papers etc. If you can’t take the originals try at least to make a copy.
– Clothes. If you have to leave secretly and can’t leave directly, try putting e.g. two sweaters on and then leave one at school or at a friend’s home. Be aware though that it shouldn’t get obvious that suddenly your clothes are disappearing so only take some. You’ll be able to buy new ones later.
– Other personal items.
– Medicine.
– (Non-traceable) mobile phone.
– Important telephone numbers and addresses.
– Inform some people you trust. If you leave from school/work it might be useful to inform the teacher/boss.
– If possible, document the abuse with a diary and photos. You might need that evidence later.Sometimes you’ll be able to get back later to get more of your stuff. Take a friend with you, or a social worker if you’re concerned about your safety.
Financial issues (for young adults)
– Check if you’re eligible to get any kind of financial support from the social system or other supporting organisations.
– If possible, try to get a job and save money from there.
– If you have a job and your parents take all your salary, could you imagine talking to your boss about the situation and ask that she give you some of the money cash or to a different bank account? Or is there a possibility to get a second small job without your parents getting aware of it? If you go to college/university, are there any small jobs at the campus or nearby that you can do during lunchbreak or directly after school?
– Can you make some money with activities where you need just your computer like creating websites and graphics?
– Are there friends who could lend you money or who might themselves offer you money if they get aware of the situation?
– Can you start a fundraiser e.g. via http://www.youcaring.com? Chances are you won’t get the full amount of money you’d need but it might nevertheless help a bit.Steps to take: during/after moving out
(Some of this might not apply to where you live and some things might be missing, as the rules differ between countries and states.)If you don’t have insurances yet, get them – particularly those who are obligatory. If you do, inform them of the address change:
– health insurance
– liability insurance
– car insurance
– accident insurance / life insurance
Check if you fulfill the requirements to get some kind of reduction for the insurance payment from the state, if the government offers that.You might want to submit a forwarding order at the post office so that your mail gets forwarded to your new address.
Other persons/offices you might have to inform about the address change are:
– school / workplace
– doctor, dentist, therapist
– your bank if you’ve a bank account
– resident registration office
– tax office
– telephone & internet providerSteps to take if you want to avoid that your abuser(s) can track you down:
– In the USA, some states have a so-called address confidentiality program. If you enter it, you get a fake address. More info about that here.
– In some other countries, you have to go to some kind of resident registration office whenever you move and tell them your new address. There should be an option to have some kind of disclosure ban. This means that the office will not be allowed to disclose the address to anyone asking – except to the authorities if there are legal issues.
– There might be a similar option for the post office and/or you might consider renting a post office box. If you’re part of the address confidentiality program you will get a post office box.
– If you get a landline number for your new place, contact your phone company and set it up as an unlisted/ex-directory number. This usually means the address won’t appear in a phone book and won’t be available in the online directory service or via Directory Enquiries. You might also want to have your number blocked so that when you call someone the other person can’t see your number.
– You might need to disable the GPS on your mobile phone or even get a new one if there’s a chance that they’re tracking it.
– Avoid publishing your location on social media and block people who might disclose your whereabouts to the abuser(s).
– If you own a domain, set up a domain privacy protection and remove the address from WHOIS and similar directories.
– Manually remove your personal information from reverse lookup websites like anywho.com or yellowpages.com
– …and just in general, be really careful about who you give your new address and phone number to.What if my parents drag be back? Also, do I leave a letter?
I’m so scared about leaving… like, I’d be uprooting my whole life if I left…
…and then?
Congratulations, you’ve managed to leave.
Once you’re settled in you might start to struggle with doubts and you might be unsure about whether cutting ties is an option and how to manage with the holidays etc. I don’t have a good overview post about these topics yet but here are some posts that are at least partly about that:
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