Hlootoo's Art

bringingmanlyback:

onajournney2:

I didn’t have a father growing up, or any real permanent or influential father figure. I always felt inadequate when it came to my masculinity. Always fearful of the more tough and secure guys. I always wanted the “cool” guys to like me and kind of kept my head down when I was around them. As I got older I paid more attention to these guys until I convinced myself that I was gay and my physical and emotional feelings followed suit. It was scary because I thought God hated me, and seeing the news, I was sure if I was found out someone would kill me. I fought these feelings for a long time. Eventually I left my church and in my 20’s I did a lot of self destructive things. Also I started suffering from depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. After a few trips to the ER I ended up in a mental hospital for a couple of weeks while they gave me meds to stabilize me. I went through some other stuff after that which included trying to embrace my sexuality. Sometimes it felt good. I thought what I felt was freedom. But there was always a lingering doubt about whether or not I was doing the right thing. Also a lot of shame and guilt. Family and friends that meant well told me to embrace who I was. It’s all over television too, all these people telling me what I was and how I should live. I felt it was my duty to embrace that lifestyle, yet something deep inside kept telling me it was wrong. I’ve struggled with that until now. Now I know that I cant continue living my life the way I have. And I know that without God I cant be who Im supposed to be. Without his strength and guidance my life will never be what its meant to be. I know Im meant to either join my life with a woman, or live in chastity. Only God knows. Most important to me is to be a man of God. But I also know I need to learn to be a man in general. I often wonder if what I have thought was homosexuality is just a longing for a father figure and my thoughts and feelings just got confused. All this time, on the inside, I’ve just been a boy looking for a dad or someone to take me under his wing and guidance, to show me how to be a man, to tell me that I was good enough, that I was worthy of his love as a friend or brother or son. The reason the thought of romantic love from another man never felt right, is because it’s not what I was really look for. Not everyone gets a dad, and its no longer an excuse for my shortcomings and mistakes. The only true father I will ever have is God, and that is more than enough. It must be strange to hear a 32 year old man talk about becoming a man. Sometimes I worry that its all a mental problem that I will never be able to escape. I feel so much shame that when Im among other men, I feel like a child in their presence. But I feel God calling me to open my heart to him and Jesus, and to lead a more honest and virtuous life. Through his Grace I hope I can find redemption and become the man I was meant to be.

First, I want you to know that you are not alone. Too many of us had
an absent father or one that we wish had been. Thousands today have seen
no example of what it means to pursue manliness. You are also not alone
in your temptations and sin. The amount of men who can look back and
say they have not been trapped in a sort of sexual deviancy is
minuscule. So many of us carry a burden not unlike your own. We are with
you.

Remember that being a “man” is not a destination or a
singular occurrence. It is not an on/off switch or a period at the end
of a sentence. This line starts at a point and has no foreseeable end.
We may not be able to see the finish line, but we can see the start line
fading farther into the distance.

No one has achieved the state
of the ultimate man but the Lord Jesus Christ. Our goals as men of God
is to become increasingly like him. Ask yourself, “Today have I been
more a man of God than I was yesterday?” Your answer will encourage you
or motivate you. Some of us have had experiences that would make this
task seem all the more difficult, but the Lord has not given to us more
than what we are capable of handling.

Since we have all began
the pursuit of manliness at different times and points, comparing
ourselves to others is futile. But, I want you to know that being honest
with yourself is more than most who claim to be men are willing to
do… so you are strides ahead of many. Surround yourself with men who
will encourage you on this journey and will mimic the same example you wish
to imitate.

The battle is dreadful, but the reward is great.
You will fall. You will stumble. This does not mean you have failed; it
only means you are human. When you feel like you cannot go any longer, rest in the Lord and
realize that He is your refuge. When you regain your strength, start
again. Not from the beginning, but from where you left off. Do not give up. Do not give in.

By realizing your state and taking the challenge to become better you have already joined us in the journey. Audere est Facere