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“We were vacationing on a lake in Arkansas with another family. My dad went with his friend to hunt for quartz crystal. And the two mothers decided to take the kids out on a pontoon boat. The sky was clear when we left. Nobody knew a storm was coming. Then the wind began to blow. And the waves picked up. And one of the little girls fell off the boat. My mom jumped in to save her but only the girl survived. I have memories, but they’re only snapshots. I remember boats surrounding us. I remember the little girl lying on the floor of the boat. I remember sitting on someone’s lap, and sobbing hysterically. But I was only two years old. So I wonder if I invented these memories. There’s two more that I have, from before that day. I can see my mother getting ready in the bathroom. And I can see her driving a car, and turning around to touch my feet. But that’s all I have. And I can’t even be sure that they’re real. I wish I’d made more of an effort. I wish I’d bothered my father more about it, but I didn’t want to add to his burden. He just seemed so exhausted. He died of lung cancer when I was nineteen. And unfortunately my main concern at that age wasn’t learning about my parents. All I know is that my mother loved to write. And sew. And that she hated living in Houston. But these just seem like things. They don’t seem like a person. I don’t know why my dad loved her. I don’t know where they had their first date. I can’t even tell you their wedding anniversary. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know why I was brought into this world. Like it’s an accident I even exist. And it’s been hard. Life has been really hard for me. And I’m constantly comparing my life to what it could have been. There’s an envy there. I’m jealous of the person I’d be if my mom hadn’t jumped off that boat. I’m jealous of the life I would have had, even though I can’t know what it would look like. I do have one video. It was taken the day I was born. My mom’s holding me and my dad’s holding the camera. It’s the one thing I have with both my parents together. They both look so happy that I was born. It’s my only proof that I didn’t just appear one day. It’s a sliver of the life that could have been.”
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