Who you should fight in the Addams (and Beineke) family.
This is in our weird conglomerate universe where the show, the first two movies, and the OBC version of the musical are all canon.
Gomez Addams: Fight him. You’ll probably lose, but he’ll have fun and probably give you an insanely valuable heirloom as a consolation prize.
Morticia Addams: You’ll wind up unsure whether this is a fight or the world’s strangest flirtation. Either way, she’ll come out on top. Don’t do it- unless you’re into that.
Wednesday Addams: If you try it, you’re going to die.
Pugsley Addams: You could take Pugsley. I could take Pugsley. A reasonably determined duck could take Pugsley. Go for it.
Grandmama: You can try, but she’ll probably just curse you to slap your own face constantly and then stand back and do the “stop hitting yourself” thing.
Pubert Addams: I will personally prevent you from trying to fight this baby. Because he’s a baby.
Lurch: Why would you fight Lurch? He’s the very definition of a cinnamon roll. Don’t be that guy.
Cousin Itt: Don’t fight him; he’s the best wingman in three states. You want him on your side.
Aunt Ophelia: If you know judo, maybe. If not, steer clear, unless you want to wind up with spinal fractures.
Uncle Fester: Has no compunctions about shooting opponents in the back. Inadvisable.
Joel Glicker: Don’t fight him; fight people who think he’d come back ten years later as a vampire. (Yes, that really is a common fanfic trope.)
Thing: Not unless you’re ready to turn that thumb war into a thumbpocalypse.
Lucas Beineke: Thinks he could take you. Could absolutely not take you, but his fiancee will feed you your large intestine if you try to fight him.
Mal Beineke: You are morally obligated to fight this man.
Alice Beineke: How do you feel about poetry slams?
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